Am I doing it right?

Why That's the Wrong Question to Ask About Coaching

It's one of the most common questions I hear from managers and leaders when they first start working with me: "Am I doing this right?"

I understand exactly where it comes from. It's a good place... a hunger to learn, a desire to make sure the time and energy they're putting into coaching is well spent, that they're engaging with the process in a way that's productive and effective. That instinct deserves respect, not dismissal.

But I want to gently push back on the premise of the question itself.

Coaching Isn't a Technique to Master

"Am I doing it right?" assumes there's a right way.. a correct method, a script to follow, a performance to get marks for. But coaching isn't that. At its foundation, coaching is about tuning into the things that matter to you; meeting you exactly where you are, and building your awareness of your own values, beliefs, thoughts, and behaviours, and how those behaviours land on the people around you.

There's no right way to be self-aware. There's just your way of becoming more self-aware than you were yesterday.

What Coaching Is Really Building

When I think about what I'm actually helping people develop, it isn't compliance with a process. It's a set of internal capacities:

The goal isn't to perform coaching correctly. It's to become someone who can approach difficult moments... a hard conversation, a high-stakes decision, a conflict, all in a way that's regulated, cool, calm, and collected. Someone who does genuinely great thinking about their thinking. Someone who understands themselves and others more clearly, and who knows how their values actually show up (or don't) in their everyday decisions and relationships.

That's not a right-or-wrong exercise. It's a you process.

So What Should You Ask Instead?

If "am I doing it right?" isn't the useful question, here are some that are. I'd invite you to sit with these between sessions rather than answer them instantly:

1. Am I being honest... with my coach and with myself, even when it's uncomfortable?

2. Am I noticing something new about myself in this process that I didn't see before?

3. Am I willing to sit with discomfort, rather than rushing to resolve or explain it away?

4. Am I connecting what I'm learning to real moments in my week, actual conversations, actual decisions, rather than keeping it abstract?

5. Am I more curious about my own reactions than I was a month ago?

6. When I notice a gap between my intention and my impact, do I get defensive or do I get interested?

7. Am I bringing my whole self to this, or just the polished, managed version I bring to a performance review?

8. Is anything shifting in how I show up for the people around me... even in small ways?

If the answer to most of these is yes, I guess you can give yourself a pass - you are 'doing it right' whatever 'right' is!

The Real Measure of Progress

The truth is, coaching was never a test to pass. It's a practice of self-discovery, and self-discovery doesn't come with a rubric. The managers and leaders who get the most out of coaching aren't the ones who master the "correct" way to engage, they're the ones who stay curious, stay honest, do the work and let the process meet them exactly where they are.

So next time you catch yourself wondering if you're doing it right, try asking one of the questions above instead. You might find it's a far more useful place to start.

As always, thanks for stopping by...